Blog #16: Brand New Day.

As I look at my life, I wonder to myself, how confusing of a journey it has been to just be me. Different emotions fill my mind as I look back at memories. Happiness, sadness, fear, hope and hopelessness. All those emotions are fair within their own respect. My life looks different today than I expected it to look last year. The same goes for all the years prior to it. Some of the differences are good and some of the differences are bad. What I fear is not the difference but instead the reaction to the difference. As I’ve grown, my responses to the difficulties of life have become nearly mute. When I was a kid, if tragedy struck, the whole world knew I was mourning in both a destructive and chaotic way. It’s as if someone were to jump on me and that single shock would drop me to the ground. I would then turn towards them and chase them with everything I have. Today, tragedy still feels like someone jumping on me, yet, I remain unphased and choose to carry it a distance and then drop it off like a passenger. Part of myself desires to bring the chaos back to my life. Part of me feels proud I haven’t. The story I wrestle with now is which way is right? As adults, we have a responsibility with our emotions and responses. We are leaders with our actions. I know this because as I surround myself with people who are younger than me, I see they mimic what I do. This isn’t authority I asked for nor is it authority that I ever wanted. Yet, when I look out to see the examples that resonate with people, specifically those who are younger they are given the chaotic responses I used to demonstrate as the way to behave. I know that these responses are dangerous and bring destruction to environments, why would I want to have that back in my life? 

I believe that what I’ve failed to do in my adulthood that I excelled at in my childhood was to make decisions that lead to expressing my emotions. I fear that I have become very good at doing so and created a filtered view of myself that is exhausted of suppression. I cry at the movies, at a wedding or when I listen to sad tunes. I don’t cry when I see an individual on the side of the road, looking to make ends meet. I should cry. I show anger when the internet is slow, when my card doesn’t work online or when I get a nail in my tire. I don’t when I hear someone say something that is completely insensitive or harmful. I should. I show fear when I see a baby roach or insect in a house, when a show I want to see is about to sell out or when I don’t have my security cameras set up. I don’t when I see the threats of this world surrounding us. I should.

I understand that my emotions, my responses and my thought patterns have changed as I have learned to manage my responses. There is a difference between showing my emotions with boundaries that express what I’m feeling and showing filtered emotions that exist within the boundaries of a false personification. My desire is to continue holding the progress I’ve made with how I respond emotionally whether that be to tragedy or comedy. I desire to be a person of authenticity where I feel raw emotion that can be scary to confront and allow it to occur. A filtered life creates one big emotion named stress. Stress covers everything with a blanket because it is a consuming force. The emotions I discuss are ones where I am familiar with expression on both sides of the equation. Instead of pushing for control or freedom, I want to push for authenticity. If I have to exacerbate responses to communicate an emotion, I know for me this is performative. If I have to restrain responses in lieu of emotion, I know for me this is performative. The focus on authenticity is to trust my abilities to feel. I trust myself to do so, while of course, I lean on Christ for guidance. God is good.