Blog #7: Memories of Who I Was.

I know I have been away for a little bit, but I promise you I have been busy. At least, for the most part. One thing that I hold to, and I believe everyone should too is, it’s okay to waste a day here and there. Especially, if you’re consciously doing it. I also believe that each person has a different definition of what “wasting” looks like. Some label it as “resting” while others label it as “working at a job they hate”. Honestly, the definition is subjective, but the motive stays the same. Once in a while, it’s okay to waste a day if it helps you reset or you just don’t want to do anything. I get it. Honestly, I feel like my off days recently have become my waste days. Contrary from the point I just made, it seems to have become a habit. That cannot happen. Anyways, to the point I made in the header. 

The past two days I have been fighting a cold/sickness and during this time I have had the opportunity to bring out the old VCR and throw on some old family home videos. I also am doing it because my mom wants to have digital access to all of them, so I guess you could say I’m killing two birds with one stone. While watching these, there are a few things that come to mind and I’ll share that here of course cause that is what I do. First, I want to somehow use these videos to create some kind of movie. I’ve seen several documentaries where the director uses home videos to tell a story. While some stories that I’ve seen are much more dramatic, maybe this movie doesn’t have to be cinematic. It could just be personal and I’m sure through it I could learn a lot about filmmaking and withdrawing emotions from the viewer. It could be good practice. Something, I’m considering but don’t have a clear picture of what that looks like just yet. Second, as I watch the videos, I try to put myself in the shoes of little me to guess and wonder what was going on inside my head. Likewise, I try to do that with the person holding the camera because they never seem to have a one-track mind rather each person has a different style of home videos and it’s just interesting. Have you noticed that if you’ve seen a home video? There are some family members who talk the whole time the camera is running, there are some who are silent and then there are some who ask the people being captured to do something for the camera. Not only that, but even the overall cinematography and angles shift. Some members like to just zoom in on one person while others move all around and finally some who seem like they should be making movies. 

I feel this way about my Mom’s perspective when she has the camera. When she holds it, she knows when to speak and she knows when to say nothing and capture the moment. Her angles are unique and sometimes even experimental which really caught me off guard when I first saw it. Rather than a typical point and shoot, she sometimes manipulates the camera. Sometimes, she even just set the camera down purposefully and caught moments that would seem insignificant, but they weren’t. I was impressed and entertained when she held the camera because you didn’t know what was going to happen next. The people in the videos didn’t seem like her children. Rather she made it seem like a movie and they were her actors. I admire her technique and I hope that one day when I record whatever it is I can adopt that. She’s really an artist. 

The reason I wanted to write today was while watching these videos as I mentioned I tried to put myself in my little self’s shoes and see what was going on. I have to say that was really fun, disorienting and helped me out a lot. Often times when we get older, we stabilize the goals and dreams we have but we forget some fundamental aspects. Those aspects being meaning and purpose. When you’re a kid, I believe your meaning and purpose are the clearest. Your gifts and passions outshine the most because they really are all you know how to express before entering the world of conformity and facades that are socially created. As I watched this kid in the videos, I saw myself obviously but I also saw parts of me that I had restricted or stopped believing in fully because of conformity and the fear of being myself. The funny thing is, when I watched myself in the videos do what I did, it made people laugh and made them happy. So, I began to wonder to myself, why did I stop that? Why did I choose to hide something that used to be such a big part of my personality. It was then that I realized I was no longer four years old, and if I did what I did in those videos today people would put me in the hospital in fear I had lost it. The truth is, there is a time for everything and you may grow out of certain things, but its good to go back and remember them. It brings a sense of fulfillment to know that you were able to make someone feel happy in a time when who knows how they were feeling. But, that is the magic of little kids, aside from their screaming and uncontrolled bladder. 

Of course, this isn’t the final point I wanted to make. With all that was said, there is still the point that while you may have outgrown certain actions you haven’t outgrown your purpose or your gifts. As mentioned earlier, kids typically show their strength and talent blatantly because that is all they know at first. There’s a reason you have that ability and to withhold it from others would not be right. There is a reason you think like that and when you go back you will see in some ways you always thought like that. A lot of our childhood sticks with us in subconscious ways so it’s important to remind yourself in some way of what you fundamentally desire and what you can give. Sometimes it takes just writing down your goals and you can see it from there. Other times, you may have to pull out the family photo book, videos or listen to the stories with a fresh mind. What you will see is that those passions of yours and the goals/motivations you have set out to accomplish all come from that little person you once were. Don’t forget them and stay classy 🙂