Blog #12: Fresh Start.
I'm really bad at this
I’ve come to find my consistency in writing has not lived up to the expectations I had for myself. The last time I wrote to all of you was at the beginning of the year. A lot has changed since then, which I will get into, but the events themselves are not the focus of this post. What I have learned and recognized, along with how I have responded is my focus. I want to share what I have been feeling, how I have reacted to these feelings and what goals and efforts I am setting for myself moving forward. A lot of change calls for redirection and with that redirection, faith and trust are required. My hope for those investing their time to read this, is that you can feel seen in these emotions and thoughts I share. I hope that you can take something away from it that may help you with a current or future circumstance. I hope you are encouraged. If all that fails, I hope that for the least bit you see the shift of where I was when I started this blog twelve posts ago and where I am today.
What have I been focused on?
These past few months have turned out to be some of the hardest months I’ve experienced. I am confident in saying that those who are and were close to me would agree, whether that be for themselves or for myself. To that I feel I am conditioned to respond, but when is life not difficult? What I have also realized is that through the consistency of hardship, I have found the past has prepared me for the challenge to come tomorrow. Even though each new hardship comes with a new set of challenges I haven’t experienced specifically before, doesn’t mean I don’t have similar experience. In the moments where similar experience doesn’t suffice, I am still not obsolete with who I am to approach this.
When I was younger, if something difficult I went through began to take a toll on myself, I would remind myself of the experiences I had in the past. Remembering the outcome of success would bring me peace in those moments, but the peace was fleeting. The reason for that being the experiences I had can be remembered and the strength I have can be realized, but if there is no quality adopted, the strength is held by memories. Memories fade, their significance changes and their ability to provide strength overtime diminishes if they are what fuels the progress.
What I have learned to recognize, use and grow through these times in hardships are now no longer the calculated use of memories to remind me of my capability. I focus now on the qualities or characteristics I have developed to aid me in facing the challenges of today and tomorrow. These qualities are exactly what is listed in (1 Corinthians 13: 4-7) 4 Love is patient, love is kind. Love does not envy, is not boastful, is not arrogant, 5 is not rude, is not self-seeking, is not irritable, and does not keep a record of wrongs. 6 Love finds no joy in unrighteousness but rejoices in the truth. 7 It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
I have not mastered these qualities, nor will I ever and I didn’t ever plan on considering myself a master of anything. What I can commit to is the fact that I will constantly be developing these qualities, constantly be testing them, failing in them and mainly reminding myself of them. The reason I’ve chosen to focus on these qualities is because that is what I’ve seen people who I consider as role models to have kept as their guiding light. Everyday there is a new opportunity to choose to do this, but something I’ve also learned is it isn’t for who you want to do that for. Instead, it should be shown to everyone. So, every day, I am reminding myself of this and I am focused on using them when I confront hardship or when I confront the “simplicity” of everyday life.
What Changed?
As I mentioned, these few months have brought unique challenges I never thought I would face. One challenge to break the ice, was buying a home. To go through that process was exciting, but it also brought worry and anxiety. It’s interesting that when I become capable of owning my own home, within that home there should be feelings of safety, comfort, reliability and warmth or cool depending on the season. It can’t be compared to buying a car, as I have purchased several cars and that process is just much easier. When buying a home, there are so many factors to consider, internally and externally. There is a societal pressure as well to indulge in different amenities or live in certain areas. Once you find the home you want, that is just the beginning. Now there is the process of putting in an offer, negotiating, inspecting the house and reading through tons and tons of paperwork. All to make sure that when you move in, you can rely on the benefits a owned home brings. Doing all of this while working to maintain four jobs to ensure financial stability really took a toll on me. What I realized I forgot to do was to trust in God’s provision. That He would make the way possible if it is His will. Instead, I worried, and my anxiety crept in. This for one took me away from a lot of community and fellowship. If I was ever in those spaces, I may have been physically, but emotionally and mentally I felt displaced. Feelings of loneliness came into my life and my relationships were heavily impacted by this. I allowed fear and anxiety to isolate me from others, people who cared about me and may have wanted to support me. A poor decision on my part of which I’ve learned, always ask. The people who love you and care about you, will be willing to take the journey with you. That is why they are there, along with many other reasons. Although, it may be hard to see, I realized I would do it for them. It took me over two months to allow myself the chance to ask others for help. It took over three months for me to trust God completely and remove the jobs that weren’t serving me well towards my relationships or mental health. Even once the process was finished with buying the house, I had help which I am so grateful for with moving in. After that, I took all the responsibility myself. My attempts to ask for help weren’t clear and I believe felt more like actionless suggestions for my own fears and anxieties that I shouldn’t have allowed to control me. My time which was taken up by purchasing the house was now replaced by preparing it and again I allowed that to be all on me. I don’t recommend this. What you will find when you incorporate help is not only that you save time but you find a beauty in the contributions those closest to you provide. There is an appreciation for their perspective and I love that idea of community within a home.
Another challenge that I believe has been the biggest one has been a shift in what my near future role will look like. In previous posts, you’ve seen me mention the relationship I had and the progress it made which was only months away from marriage. To now, the reality of all of that coming to an end entirely along with the relationship after nearly two years. It is difficult to face a new reality at times when you’ve found yourself in a previous one for what feels like so long. I had never prepared so intentionally before to be a husband until this stage of life, which makes sense. What I learned through the process was how much I have to learn. There will never be a stopping point of growth and again, there is no mastery. I learned a lot about my weaknesses. My weakness in the abilities to be completely vulnerable in times where I may end up being hurt. Instead of shielding myself from hurt, I’ve learned it is better to be vulnerable and open in my flaws to show my humanity. I make many mistakes, I will be one to recognize and admit them. What I’ve learned is I do avoid initiating the discussion about them in fear of the response and I can’t let that be a driving factor. I learned that I can’t always control the environment I am in. I must sacrifice my own comfort to allow the growth of something new to form or be recognized. In little ways, I realize I take over when it comes to showing anyone really, movies or music. Even though I may feel I have great taste, it doesn’t mean I enforce that amongst those around me. I must learn that to truly create fellowship and depth, there must be sacrifice by offering and then listening and engaging. That is something I learned I must be better at. I learned the importance of a love language. Not just knowing what it is but knowing how to show it, do it, say it or feel it. When I learn how, it doesn’t stop there, but it means to focus on improving it and improvising. Doing something you never thought you’d do and staying intentional in growth. I learned the importance of sacrificial love and how vital that is. It’s easy to live behind a routine and go with the motions to try and attain a level of comfort. I’ve learned how destructive that can be. It’s important to remain sacrificial in my time, comfort, finances, feelings, thoughts and actions. My weakness in communicating with love in times of difficulties is also something I can’t allow to infiltrate my life. What I mean by that is when in times of high emotions, instead of creating a wall to avoid the pain, allowing myself to empathize and understand better. Removing myself emotionally from a conversation will only create walls on both sides of a conversation. My weakness of being graceful and forgiving at times when I may still be hurting. The feelings I feel are important and I recognize that. The fact is, they are no more important than anyone else’s feelings, regardless of the circumstance. To allow myself the respect of recognizing the feelings I feel and resolving them, gives me the strength to resolve other areas creating a path forward. Instead of fixating on the past as a constant reminder to me or someone else that there is a problem. Instead, realize there was a problem, that was addressed, move on. That allows the same amount of focus given to the last issue to be present in this issue. There is so much more that I can list, and I can always touch on in future posts, but I did want to mention one last focus. A focus on Christ. Without that, I can’t do any of this very well. My strength comes from Him and my ability is inspired through Him. To continue fostering that growth through prayer and reading scripture is my focus. One last quick thing which I believe is also really important, is to just have fun. Going out and doing something different and learning from it together, I believe brings a healthy dose of spontaneity in life.
Something that I have recognized when I was in this role of immediate preparation to be a husband, was just how important this role is. I don’t want to speak poorly of others and I have no experience of actually being a husband. What I found is that there are men out there with amazing wives and their ability to be an amazing husband back feels like a chore instead of a blessing. This negative connotation that men are just doing whatever their wife tells them to and they almost feel as if their own wife is insufferable based on their actions and their words. I believe that narrative needs to change, I believe there is a strong focus in today’s world of how a woman should be for a man, but rarely do I hear of how a man should be for a woman. Just from my observations of the general public. I hear things like “he should have a good job, a good family, a nice car, a stable house” but these are all external factors that can go away at any second. A focus on the internal qualities of how do I love my wife? How do I love her better? Okay, how do I love her even better than that? How do I support her? How can I emotionally be vulnerable for her? How can I listen better, understand her better and know her better? How can I lead with love? How can I be what she needs and what she wants? How can I do all of this with a heart and mind full of joy and sacrifice and refuse feelings of pride and complaint? Again, so many more questions I can ask myself, but as I look around on social media, in everyday experiences and stories I hear, I wonder to myself, how can us as guys raise the bar for ourselves so that we can be better men instead of doing the bare minimum or sometimes, not even that. I believe we can do better and we must do better, for those we love and for ourselves.
What Have I Learned? What do I Want?
I believe the most important quality I’ve learned throughout this time has been patience. For me, going on to the next thing has always been exciting to me. I have struggled to live in the moment at times and that has caused a lot of strain. To see the influence God has on me and has provided me strength to feel these emotions has really allowed for me to further develop. I have been put in a spot where I am living my day by day, intentionally in the moment. I have found so much joy in that. I have found peace through that. I have created new relationships, I have found new passions, I comprehend my value and worth and am confident in the individual I am, I know what I want for my future (at the core, what that looks like of course can vary) and I have created a deeper and fuller trust in God. The other day, I thought to myself, how far could God go in terms of tests till I lose faith or trust in Him. I came to the realization that there is nothing He can do. When I look back at where I was, as a kid to who I became slowly, I realized that the plan for me has never been forsaken and will never be forsaken. So, I trust completely in Him, in a way, I never have before where anything can come my way and I am confident, that will not be shaken.
Through the past, when I experienced difficult times, I would always respond in a irrational and emotional way. I would always do something bigger to take away from the pain or reflection. I learned that as a kid and it just stuck with me. But this time, I didn’t. This time, I realized the harm that has and how that really prolongs the process to heal and grow. Instead, I took time to sit still. I was patient and I was understanding. I took the time to love and care and be completely myself with no fear. When I did that, I came to find who I really am and where I want to go. It has all prepared me to move on to the next stage of life where new challenges await, but now, I have developed the qualities necessary to face them. This past stage closes with gratitude and this new stage begins with peace to grow into what’s ahead.
What I want for my life has not changed as I desire the same thing to one day be an amazing husband, father, business owner, philanthropist, writer and so much more. What I’ve come to realize through this time especially is that even though the people in your life change, it doesn’t mean the desire and goal change. My focus is to now each day prepare for that day when I do hold that role and to never stop preparing. To also focus on praying for what I want and taking the time to be patient in the waiting and understanding through listening. I trust the plan and will put forth my best each and every day. I am thankful for the friends and family that share this road with me along the way. My hope is that through this time, I can pour into them just as much as they do for me. I hope that I can continue to come here and share what’s going on. I hope and pray for strength and my daily bread. The future is bright and I am happy to be a part of it with all of you. Until next time, stay classy 🙂