Blog #15: Back to My Hometown.
Where have I been?
I plan for this to be quite a complex post, buckle in and get ready. The first half of this past year as mentioned in previous blog posts, was challenging in every aspect of my life. I had gone through so much I never expected to go through and as a first time as an adult along with the first time living the life I am living, there was a lot of improvisation. In no way is my life perfectly calculated and my responses to the struggles I face will never be the best they can be. The reason I say that is because life doesn’t get easier as time goes on, I believe if it does, you’re doing something wrong. How I believe it is that in this world of chaos and unpredictability we face challenges in the different stages of life. Normally, looking back at those challenges we have overcome, we can say were ultimately easier than the ones we face today because we have yet to overcome today’s challenges. I know that is not always the case and there will always be challenges we face that are more “once-in-a-lifetime” and instead of looking back and regarding it as easy, we consider it a difficult time that we are happy is over or a time we wish didn’t exist.
I believe the challenges I faced this past year wasn’t those “once-in-a-lifetime” perspectives and rather was a chance for me to learn and grow from it looking back at it in happiness and thankfulness for the circumstance and for the outcome. At the same time, I have no idea what I am to face tomorrow and do not know ultimately what specific skills I will use from what I learned. What I can say for certain in what I believe is that I will never lean on my own understanding and will always trust God to provide me strength & guidance as I weather the storm. That is something that has fundamentally grown in my life in the second half of this past year. Which can be a parallel for how I explained that trials of chaos can bring solutions of peace. I ended the first half of the year energized to pursue all kinds of different avenues. My body wanted to move, and my brain wanted experience. I filled up my calendar for the second half which is what I will now focus on.
The Second Half
When I returned from Brasil in late June, I faced another challenge in a friendship of mine. I came out of that feeling even more defeated and I began to believe a lie. I came to the conclusion that I was bad luck. No matter who or whatever came in contact with me, they would face troubles due specifically to my presence. Best described as a bad luck charm. I adopted this philosophy for most of the second half of my year. I traveled everywhere, first to Brasil where I stayed for 2 months in Belem, Sao Paulo & Rio. I have written about this in my previous journal. Following that I had traveled to Orlando, I worked on a film in Myrtle Beach, I went to LA, then Denver, then New York and now I am currently in Ohio. I allowed these thoughts to consume me some nights and would torture myself with these false ideas. It was in Denver that I finally unlearned this pattern. During a family scuffle, I was confronted once again with the thought that I am the reason everything goes wrong. I took a walk and I prayed. Suddenly, the thought came to my head, “The world doesn’t revolve around myself”. Although simple, I realized these thought patterns, destructive, they only accounted for myself as a variable in any complex situation. I never gave account to others thinking this way and I would end up finding myself feeling sorry for me. Which is completely wrong. I realized, we can have an impact on others, but we are only responsible for what we can control. In continuation, how we respond is also a way of practicing what we can control. If we live our lives responding in the wrong way, that is on us. Instead of allowing some mysterious bad luck to take credit for the mishaps, that I instead would need to reflect on what I did to get there. If I found that I had responsibility in the matter, my actions and response would be required to rectify it. If I had no responsibility to the matter, it was then important for me to determine who did (within myself) and from there decide whether it is necessary to approach that situation and if I did so, with love, care and understanding.
Coming to the conclusion brought me peace, it also allowed me to focus on the problems I did have that needed to be fixed. Don’t get me wrong, I still have many problems. Instead of having a blanket over them making them difficult to discover, I have replaced the blanket with a magnifying glass to discover the root of the issue.
Matthew 6:26 - 27 (CSB)
The verse reads: 26 Consider the birds of the sky: They don’t sow or reap or gather into barns, yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Aren’t you worth more than they? 27 Can any of you add one moment to his life span by worrying?
Recently, I have reminded myself of this verse. Going into this new year, I have a lot I would have liked to accomplish by age 25 that currently to me seems impossible. With my birthday coming this month, it feels even more impossible. Yet, being home has given me a lot of strength, motivation and hope. Being in Ohio reminds me of all that I have been through, all that I have here and who I am here as well. In South Carolina, I am mainly a new friend to some, the events guy, the comedy guy or the guy who is obsessed with movies and traveling. In that sentence, I don’t give enough credit to the few that I have built strong & close friendships within South Carolina, but those people have mostly moved from SC so I keep restarting. The beauty of being in a city that is so transient. I’ve grown to love it, I’ve learned so much from it and though my title here remains ambiguous, it gives me a challenge each day to solidify myself within the community. It has challenged me to do things I’ve never done before and it has brought me out of my comfort zone. The friendships, experiences and professional achievements I have made here are invaluable. The best part is, I know there is only more to come.
While I am here in my hometown, the feelings are much different. Here I am a family member, a lifelong friend or a memory. Holding those titles feel scary to lose. When I am home, I am reminded that I don’t want to lose these titles. I realize that I have a responsibility even though I don’t live in my hometown, I represent it where I go, but I am also counted on to support it wherever I go. Leaving somewhere doesn’t mean you lose the responsibility to that place, it means you gain more responsibility. The option of success is no longer a choice, it’s a requirement. With that, I have to put forth my best effort wherever I am.
Coming to this conclusion is stressful. I believe that is why the scripture above brings me so much comfort. I know that, in this time where I am working hard in an area that is still adjusting to me, there is another area that is counting on me. Yet, I can only control what I can control. Although it is easy to get lost in the rat race and begin to lose myself in the process, I have to recognize that God is taking care of me. I put all my trust in Him and do my best to follow a lifestyle that supplements me physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Doing that and combatting the anxieties that arise while reminding myself that even the birds are taken care of, gives me the peace I need for today.
That is all that I focus on, is today. Of course, I make smart decisions that will benefit my future, but to worry about the future only brings lost time. I realize, I don’t have a lot of time, none of us do. We are a blip in this timeline and if that is the case, I want to live that blip like it’s the whole timeline.
My goal is to focus on what I need to accomplish to achieve the success. Reminding myself that my responsibility is not only where I live but where I have lived. That responsibility is certainly different based on the status, but it isn’t gone. I’m thankful for my home today, for the friendships, the achievements and the potential. I’m thankful for my hometown, what it brings me today is still so invaluable and I pray that my connection to it only grows and shines through where I go.
I’m leaving my hometown soon, but I will definitely be back again soon and to all of those here, there or anywhere – Stay Classy 🙂