Blog #9: Beach Bum.
The classic intro
Hello. It’s been a while. I know that is no excuse. A lot has happened since I have been gone. I haven’t been gone mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually or socially. Yet, to the world it seems that in a sense I have been. Whether the world truly cares or pays attention to my absence is neither here nor there. Acknowledging that absence I believe is necessary to explain the extremely long post coming up because I am playing catch up. My perspective has since changed. With that my values and principles, while firm in their foundation have come with new realizations of my intent which I hope to explain thoroughly. With all of this, I would like to prepare you personally. This is not an easy post. This is not a well backed up post. This is new, experimental and different. You can always go back to the beginning of the blog to find my description of the dumpster fire consistency this blog will provide. Enough of that, let’s get to it.
What happened?
To put in simple terms, everything changed in my life. Several months ago, I would say around October, I began to have this existential crisis in my head. This fear of once I finished college, I would no longer have direction in my life. With no direction, I felt I would be unable to accomplish what I desire for my future. As I focused more on that fear, I realized, I hadn’t really cemented what I wanted for my future. Worry began to surround me not only in terms of my short term perspective but my long term perspective began to crumble. When a long term perspective begins to crumble, your whole world around you crumbles, because without a long term purpose set, you feel meaningless in a sense. At least, that is how it felt for me. There is always a long term goal. Even if it is considered to be small (by your standard) or if it’s unattainable (again, by your standard) we all have long term goals. I was considering the fact that I was under what I like to call a “college cushion” and realized that the cushion wasn’t going to fit through the next door I was taking.
Anyways, I graduated and was faced with the reality which is common, that I had no idea what I was doing or what to do next. I felt that the insecurity would become my identity, so I decided instead I would start a blog. From there, the blog helped me realize that all these thoughts and feelings that I had internalized as they came out were more ridiculous than I thought. Not only that, they had also more of a hold on my life than I had originally expected. Something about writing your thoughts and feelings makes ideas and emotions that seem so impossible to manage, easier when they are put into words which can be read and understood to a degree. When shared publicly, there is even more credibility that is created and with that, my mental process shifted. I came to realize that with all of these insecurities I was having about my present and future, it was all a distraction of what I needed to be doing. Which is living. Taking chances. Making mistakes. Not knowing what to do. Being okay with the unknown. Embrace uncertainty. Realizing that my worst enemy is myself. Instead, befriend yourself. This next part is cookie-cutter, but there’s a reason people still use them. Get to know who you are, love yourself in ways you haven’t in the past but make it consistent. Challenge yourself, be uncomfortable. Feel your emotions and realize reality. It’s easy for me to type all of this, I can do it all day. Typing it I mean. Actually doing it is difficult. Practicing social and public values are important too. Actively listening to others, loving others, empathizing with others, encouraging others and giving to others. Essentials of humanity which can often be lost in the clouds of fear, anxiety, uncertainty and more.
With these discoveries, although I can admit, most I knew of I did not practice. I realized I needed to improve in these things. Not to a certain point, rather forever. I decided that the best way for me to do this, in my circumstance was to move from all that I knew. While I can say that this is not something I think everyone has to do, if you have the opportunity to, I believe it is a great opportunity. The opportunity arose for me when my parents had recently purchased a condo near Myrtle Beach. I decided that putting myself in a place I had only been once, surrounded by no one I knew and no type of plan is exactly what I was looking for. I was blessed to have the opportunity because of my parents and for that I do thank them.
Once I had made the decision to move, I still had a few months to prepare. Slowly but surely, I prepared for this move, which I had decided I was going to go through with. I told those close to me at an early stage post-final decision because I felt it would be best they knew sooner than later. It was also during this time that I did try to be more intentional with time spent both with friends and family. What I came to realize as time approached for my move was that there was so much I still wanted to do with these people we never had done. I realized that during the time I had with them before leaving even though we had all this time, we never really made the most of it. Sometimes we did, but sometimes we would just take it for granted. Of course, in some ways, that is the normal process of behavior. When you have something, you tend to overlook it sometimes even though you shouldn’t. Something I have learned (even though I am jumping ahead) is to be aware of those moments you may overlook. Acknowledge them. Make that a habit, because what you will find is if you acknowledge what is overlooked, you will find yourself “overlooking” less and less. In the last month before my move, it was the most difficult. I could feel the goodbye and to be frank, I’ve never been good at leaving. Then I realized I was being dramatic. This is only goodbye, if I let it be goodbye. So, I decided, I won’t let it be a goodbye, because the truth is this, you will keep in your life what you want to keep. If you need to let it go, you will whether it is by choice or not. The same goes vice versa. I realized this and all my worries were lifted. The people who care and love you will stay, the ones who were “just there”, will probably still “just be there” when you get back. The ones who hated you and want you dead, will be the happiest they ever were and once you’re back, that spite will return. It also might not and hey, that may be a good thing!
Truly, I can’t ignore the elephant in the room. The fact that yes, there will be space. There will be distance. In times of development and preparation, that is bound to happen. That is a consequence of the decision you make. So, I determined, while it is a consequence, I know it is for a good purpose. The purpose is that each day I am able to improve spiritually, mentally, emotionally, physically, relationally and comically. With that, the desire is that the people who surround me can benefit from this and then the same can happen to those who surround them.
So, I moved. It was a trip that took about three days driving back and forth from Ohio to South Carolina. About 27 hours of driving in 72 hours. That was just the beginning of the challenge. Leaving everything and everyone you know is one thing, but doing it at 70mph for 9 hours each day is another game. Once I reached my final destination for my move, in some ways, there was a relief. Being on the go constantly was draining, yet now I needed to put the whole house in order because my family was visiting me and I had friends coming for their vacation that I wanted to visit too. I really believe that having home come to me while I was in this new and different place made it easier to adjust to this big change. It made me feel confident in my decision and also felt that there was possibility with familiarity surrounding me. Also, I came to the realization that I missed home, I could always just go back to where memories were created here to get a little glimpse.
What Changed?
I’m still Josh. Not much externally has changed to be frank. I’ve lost some weight which would be the biggest change. Earlier this year I was at around 180 and my goal was to reach 155. I managed to do that and now I would say settle around 157-160. In case you were wondering. I have changed my eating habits and contents to include more scheduled eating times with healthier food content. Typically, I will have two meals a day that tend to be pretty hearty and snacking in between. I am not much of a breakfast person so that is the meal I skip and typically I will have an earlier dinner. I try to work out every day, but sometimes I do skip/get lazy but who doesn’t? I must say, being in a beach town with tons of tourists who are trying to look their best while surrounded by others who have lost every sense of care for what they look like is pretty terrifying for me. So, my laziness typically doesn’t last very long until I am driven by an irrational fear that I’ll be Myrtle Beach’s next TLC show. I’ve also been trying to save money so that I can prepare for future financial goals I have and ownership goals I have which I will keep private because that is not this kind of blog. Reason I mention that is because I don’t eat out as much, when I do I use coupons. If I’m not eating out, I am buying groceries at Food Lion because I believe I have determined it is better than Kroger. (not a sponsor)
Financially I will go into a little explanation but no specifics. I have a good amount saved up and a good amount invested, but obviously it’s not where I want it to be. I have certain goals I’d like to accomplish such as finish paying off my car and save up for a house/investment property. I would also like to start my own business, but that is a 10 year goal plan which certainly should not be in front of the other two mentioned goals. I still haven’t figured out a saving plan I like yet and frankly I am investing a lot more than saving. I would say my investing portfolio is much higher than it needs to be when looking at other areas, but I hope to level that out by the end of this year. That is the goal. To have a stable savings plan and balance in my spending.
Mentally, I’m doing a lot better than I expected to be. Some of you who know me, know that in the past, my mind and myself have certainly caused challenges to say the least. I can confidently say that this year has been proof to me at least that who I was and who I am are strangely different to the point that when I look back at previous journals I laugh at my stupidity. I also realize that without that stupidity, I wouldn’t be who I am today. Which by the way, is still very stupid. The fact of the matter is I am always figuring it out. The moment I’m not, I’m doing something wrong. I hope I keep getting smarter at realizing how stupid I really am. I’ve found it best to write to manage my thoughts. While that doesn’t always help, I have also found that in times where I need a little mental boost I will turn to prayer, music, movies and sharing my days with my friends and family. It has helped me feel connected. Going to the movie theater is probably the best therapy ever. I remember the first day I walked in to see the new Spider-man, I hadn’t been to the theater in like two weeks. So, stepping into one again, was like a palmetto bug entering a hoarder’s house. I felt at home. Except the guy who was laughing obnoxiously loud was driving me crazy, I loved the movie, but the guy was laughing like the Joker and frankly I wished at that point that someone wou…nevermind. Mentally I’m doing great.
Emotionally. This one I have written about a lot already in my journals and frankly, while I’d love to share it, I feel it’s best to leave it for another blog at another time. To get to the basis. Emotionally, I am continuously learning how to love others well. I am figuring out what I want in my future relationally. While I have set principles and values I hold, I am continuously looking to develop those in myself so I can better live them out. While this may be a bit personal, so is this blog. I am not actively looking for someone and I believe that is because I am currently focused on being a better someone. I am working to develop healthy habits. I am working to develop new skills and hobbies and dabble in different activities because I love to learn about new things. I am also really focused on the friendships I hold as I really value them dearly and I can say that does take up a lot of my time emotionally. My friends, I don’t want to sound conceited, but they are the best. I love all of them so dearly. They each have changed my life in ways I’m sure they can’t imagine and I just hope I can provide them with the gratitude I feel each day.
Socially I have been actively getting involved in the Myrtle Beach community. Mainly in two different ways. I have been exploring different churches and I have been DoorDashing. I have done over 300 deliveries so far in the past two weeks which has led me to meet a lot of people, create a lot of stories and see a lot of new places. Some places I would never like to see again while others I hope to go to with friends sometime! I really believe DoorDashing is one of the best ways to get to know a city. You can really get to know the culture, how bad the drivers are and how good the drunks tip. I had the opportunity to go to a music festival too. I listened to a lot of country music. While I originally believed I didn’t like country music, I have learned to love it. In that, I got to learn more about the culture and must I say, there’s something about it that I admire. I don’t know how to say it in a way that doesn’t come off wrong, so instead I’ll just say that. I really admire it. Experiencing new churches has also been a blessing. Meeting new people who I can already tell are amazing. Also, accidentally going to a cult, but hey, it happens? I don’t have much to say yet, but I’m sure I will as time goes on. The churches, I mean.
Professionally, I have found a career that I look forward to starting. In the next month or so, I’ll have more to say about it, but since I don’t know much I can’t say much. When I do, I can’t wait to share it.
Finally, Spiritually. The one that has got me through all of it. If you know me, you know that I am not in your face about my faith. I would definitely say I am more reserved and I would also say that is based on my experience and how I would like people to approach me if I were in their shoes. I believe that my prayer life has really strengthened me through all of this change. I have been encouraged and led in ways I didn’t feel were possible but came to light. I can say that I have all my trust in God, because He has never let me down. Looking back at my life, I can see all the different stages of my life, how each part had prepared me for this moment in different ways. Different values were created in my life and applied now where I have been able to thrive. One thing I consistently say is God is good. Another thing I constantly say is, I trust You. I always have and always will. I know He has a plan. I know He is in control. So, I trust Him. One part of my life that I struggle in is definitely in my scripture reading which I hope to improve more and more each day. Of course nothing is ever perfect, but I know my weakest spots. God is good.
Thank you for getting through all of this if you did. I promise the next blog will be shorter. I just had so much to say because it has been so long. I didn’t know how I wanted to say it. I have tried to write this several times and just turned it into a journal instead. This time, I figured out how I wanted to say it. Well, maybe. I guess either way, I am posting it tonight and I can have regrets tomorrow. With this life, it’s a journey. A journey of trial and error. Success and failure. That’s what I have learned to accept. I am thankful to be a part of this journey and I am blessed by those I encounter in that journey. I hope to hear about your journey and maybe we can share maps. I have to say though, my map is improvised as I go so I don’t know how far that will get you. Until next time, stay classy 🙂